Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Certainty


There is only one certainty.

Guess what I've been, probably unhealthily, dwelling on?


Since losing our baby, death has never seemed more real. I can almost feel it, just at the edge of things, all the time. The thought of it stops me in my tracks at least once a day.

This drawing was me thinking about my own death, visualising my own bones, but also almost putting the two in the ring. Which is stronger? Life or Death?


Death always wins in the end. But you have to be alive to be in the fight in the first place. Some rounds last a long time. Some don't.

Maybe thinking about life as a fight is not the most helpful analogy. But it certainly feels like an accurate one nowadays.

4 comments:

  1. I get it. I thought a lot about it after Jacob died and it was less scary. It was hard not to think about it.

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  2. Bless you Nomi. I lost two babies last year, in Jan 2012 at nine weeks pregnant, and in June 2012 at ten weeks pregnant. To lose yours at five months must have been heart breaking. Sending you lots of love.

    I can totally understand your preoccupation with death, I felt the same, even though I lost my babies much earlier in pregnancy than you.

    I think its difficult for others to understand just how incredibly painful it is to lose a baby. The raw grief and physical, emotional agony were certainly beyond anything I'd ever experienced, and continue to experience.

    Beautiful drawings, be kind to yourself, in my experience the grief does not go away but gets easier to deal with as time goes on.

    Harmony (Nathan's partner)

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    Replies
    1. Harmony - thank you so much for sharing this with me. I find it really helps me to not feel alone, and to know that so many women have to deal with pain.

      I think to lose a baby at any time is just such a deeply painful thing. Five months was hard because of needing to labour to deliver the baby, the milk coming and so on. But I think the heart break is the same.

      I'm sending you a big hug, which I hope I can give you in real life if our paths cross this summer on a magic hill somewhere...

      love xxxx

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