Saturday, 23 February 2013

To make things stay

Andy has now got me into lomography too...I bought him a real camera - it uses actual film! (can you tell how young I am?) - at Christmas. I really liked seeing the photos he was taking, but thought it was probably too fiddly for me.

But! Now he has bought me a little plastic camera too. I haven't taken real photos since I was about 14.
The whole process of looking reminds me of the state of mind needed when drawing.
It also has the bonus of distracting me from the loss of Lyra. Nothing ever takes the thoughts of her from me completely, and I wouldn't want it to, but grief is so, so exhausting. It is good to let the mind at least pretend to focus on something else.

In the film Blade Runner the replicants take lots of photos. I always interpreted that as their way of trying to hang onto their lives, because they knew they are going to be so brief (in the film the replicants are built to have a limited life span).
Ever since Lyra died, I have found myself taking endless photos on my phone. Photos of everything. Of us out walking, of us eating dinner, of us on the computer, what I'm wearing, sunsets, town...Now I have a real film camera to use as well. It seems more magical, not knowing what the pictures will be like, if they will have worked...

And in each photo a moment is captured, so that even though everything in life is truly without stability, without ground, for a moment I can make things stay.


  1. Because photos on a 'real' film have a physical existence as an object they seem to me to make a moment more lasting and somehow more purposeful than the ones we take on a phone and never print out. Strange little snippets of a captured past can be shared in a time far away in the future.
    Lovely pics.

  2. For a long time after Morgan, I didn't want any photos taken of me. I didn't want to 'set' this new me, the me without her, in reality somehow. I only wanted 'before' photos to exist. We each find our own way. I'm glad you've found something that allows you a little respite.

    Ahhh, double exposures...I remember those!

    xxxx Christina

    1. It's interesting isn't it...I am oddly grateful that there were only a few pictures of me with my bump, and that they never went public on facebook or anything. I actually deleted all the ones I had off my phone on the day I found out Lyra had died. They hurt too much to look at. I have one picture of my face, smiling, just after feeling some good kicks about a day before she died. I kept that picture, as it is the last one of the old me.

      Double exposures - I've gone a bit mad on them! xxx

  3. Those photos are amazing! I haven't used a film camera in years and forgot about how exciting it was to go and pick up the developed pictures, unsure how they turned out.

    Since Jacob died, I spent a lot of time looking at pictures of the old me. A few pictures were taken of me in the early weeks after he died and my eyes look so blank. Maybe it is just me reading into them, but that is what I see.

    I'm glad you have found something to robbed you with a bit of distraction. It is si nice to get a break, no matter how small, from the heavy weight of grief. It is exhausting.

    1. Thank Dana :)
      It is a bitter sweet hobby, as I'd hoped Andy's camera would be used to chronicle Lyra come May...
      But we go on, and all creativity is good for the heart :)